when i die play "twinkle twinkle little star"

when i die play "twinkle twinkle little star," it sound juvenile, but i want that song played at my funeral. I have no real faith, i don't believe in a god or a heaven or a hell. at least not the ones that have been preached about and fought in the name of. i like to think that when you die you become a star. i'm still formulating all of these ideas but wouldn't it be nice. you die and you spirit just leaves your body and just becomes something beautiful that will shine on for generations? it's simple and stupid, but it makes me happy. maybe this is what i'll tell my children.

i was gonna continue to write about death, but this has calmed me down and i don't care to upset myself anymore.

afghanistan, death, birthday, and war.

today has been a strange day. i woke up fully aware that my best friend G, was beginning his life as a deployed solider, another friend of mine was celebrating her daughters 5th birthday, I would be attending a viewing for a girl that i worked with, and i was still in some sort of feud with my best friend.

my best friend G had talked of his plans of joining the US Army and going to fight for his country six years ago when we first met. i've never been keen on the idea of war and especially of my friends joining the efforts. and through the years almost everyone of our other friends, his family, and even strangers, i would assume, tried to talk him out of it. but his stubbornness, passion, and loyalty- some of the things that i admire most about him - would always be stronger than any of the words any of us could say against his decision. before he returned back to his base from his pre-deployment leave the hug i gave him was probably the longest and hardest one i ever gave anyone. and i am not a hugger. i actually even hate seeing other people hug each other, it's weird. but i didn't want to let him go. I have faith - i guess that's what you call it even when you don't subscribe to any particular religion- that I will see him again. and until i am able to i have to be patient and hopeful for his entire tour.

today he made a little post on facebook basically telling everyone about his journey thus far. not much detail - at least when it comes to G- but that was enough. it will be those post i'll be looking the most forward to. it doesn't matter how few and far between they are, each one will make me smile and cry like a baby.

after my cryfest for a friend at war, i put on my big girl clothes, dried my eyes, and drove in silence to a funeral home. Autumn and i weren't the best of friends, i refuse to lie and say how deeply she touched my life and all that other shit that people say when someone dies. ( i also refuse to say 'passed away' - it softens a blow that is not supposed to be soft.) but i did work with her for some time at roadhouse. when she first showed up i didn't even like her. i can't remember why, i just didn't. but when i decided to give her a chance i found her to be quite pleasant, funny, and pretty nice. we never really spent time together outside of work, but i did enjoy her company. it was weird being at that funeral home.  me and all the 'roadies' in our formal clothes - something that never happens- all awkwardly standing in the entrance. all of us together. as odd as we all are, we were a family. we had our fights, parties, laughs, and we'd even defend each other when necessary. just misfits that were originally usually forced to be together but all were standing there united for a fallen friend. that in itself was absolutely beautiful. I didn't stay for the funeral, i thought i would be disrespectful to her memory. my grief will never be the same as those who really knew her. I did cry though, but only when i hugged her parents. it's weird how death makes hugging a perfect stranger acceptable. the weirdest part of a funeral is how content the families seem to be... i have more thoughts on death but i'll save that for a different entry.

after i left the viewing i went and celebrated life. i went to a 5th birthday party. i was sitting with kids from age 5 to newborn. and it was weird, i went from a room with a heavy dark just sad feeling to being with people that don't have the mental capacity to understand death. i don't think i even have the mental capacity to understand death. but here they were tired, hungry, fussy, happy, poopy, laughing, and clapping. being passed around among the different mothers and friends just being content with their lives. i almost never want them to grow up and see how disappointing life can actually be.

and through all of the events today i keep going back to one. nothing in the world means more to me than my friends and family. absolutely nothing. no matter how irritating they are, and they are irritating. they are the reason i keep going. always.  it was D's 21'st birthday last friday, and it was the first time that ABCD were together for an extended period of time since A's wedding. i hate that the group has become so much like family we only get together for special occasions. when it used to be that each time we got together became a special occasion. growing up has become synonymous with growing apart. and i hate it.

reasons i'm mad at mother nature.

1. the calendar says spring.. yet you insist on being almost freezing.
2. you give me one day of hope and then yank everything away.
3. i don't know how to dress, and that is pissing me off.
4. my skin cannot handle the fluctuation. i look like Ashy Larry.
5. i want to take spring time walks, because it looks pretty and nice outside but it isn't spring time!
6. i shave my legs for you and you won't even give me the time of day. i don't shave my legs for just anybody.
7. do you really need another reason?!
8. I WANT FLIP FLOPS AND DRESSES!

so what i'm saying now is get your stuff together, i grow tired of your flighty- fickle ways.

moving waaaa

so it's finally happening the family are going their separate ways, actually my parents are saying together and i'm finally leaving the nest.

my fathers company is moving to the eastern shore, they specialize in marina type things and well it makes no sense that a marina type company would be absolutely landlocked. so they are moving to where their clients are, which makes sense and i wish the company all the best.

the whole moving out of my parents home thing is bittersweet, as a child you know that this day was come eventually you move out but you always have a home to go back to. except in this case, my parents are also moving and so when i return "home" to them for the occasional visit, the place i visit won't be my home. and i'm not moving out, i'm being forced out of the nest. i believe humans are probably some of the only creatures that nurture their young for such an extended period of time. some creature lay their eggs and that's it. if they survive they survive. if not, try again the next mating season.

but as i'm going through my room it seems to be a slow process, over my 21 years i've collected a shitload of crap. i desperately need to downsize everything. i know for a fact i will be getting rid of my entire desk and the top bunk of my bed and my large desk chair - that has served as my fan holder since i got my laptop about 11 months ago. other than that i just have stuff. so much stuff.  i started making a "goodwill" pile on my floor, i know i haven't looked at this stuff in years but when i pick it up, and blow off all the dust i just become overwhelmed by the flood of memories.

i know you're supposed to keep everything that sentimental to you- but what happens when everything becomes sentimental to you?  like my Washington DC panoramic puzzle - it's missing a piece or two, but i remember the day i opened the box, and started putting it together on my coffee table. i had about half the edge done when my cat jumped up on the table knocking it off. so i moved the puzzle to my kitchen table and sat there everyday after school and put it together, occasionally my parents would try to assist me but it was over 1000 pieces and they would get bored after a while... when it was finally finished it lived on the table for about a month. someone came over and i put it away and it's lived in my closet ever since.

i just need to grow up and let go of things that really don't matter.

he, she, it... whatever.

i've always joked that my father raised me to be a boy. there is a picture of me when i was little standing on the sink shaving in the mirror with my father. now obviously i'm not actually shaving, but my little face is covered with shaving cream and have some sort of either play razor, or what could very well be a real razor with the cover still on. now i know this type of picture is very common for little boys to have with their fathers... it is less common, and usually unheard of for little girls to also have this type of picture.

i also have a plethora of power tools, several different sets actually, and i'm pretty well versed in how to handle them. when i was a child i would love to help my father in all the little projects he had going on we spent a lot of time together build things, why we needed them or even what these things were i can't recall, when we lived in New York i remember that the two of us would take trips to the dump together, and i would always have to carry groceries in for my mother - who was somehow more fragile than i was. my father didn't get to spend as much time with my brother as he would have liked and he still feels guilty about the divorce.

when i hit my mid teens i resented him for treating me as the son he never got to watch grow up. like i've stated before in my early teens i was definitely in the obese category, and while kids are already entering their awkward stage i was in a worse awkward stage. just a recap - fat, black kid, white parents, little girl sort of raised as a little boy- there was no way i was going to be a normal teenager. my best friend from the age of almost 5 to 10 was a little boy that lived down the street. we played games outside and with trucks, i was just one of the boys. a title i seem to not be able to shake.

i've attempted to feminize myself over the years. since about the 7th grade most people i encounter just assume i'm a lesbian - i had very short hair and was fat, picture a black Chaz Bono- even recently a friend of mine said "you know, i didn't know you were into dudes..." (although i've moved from lesbian to Asexual) but i've slimmed down, my wardrobe now includes dresses and form fitting/flattering clothing, there was even a dark period where i was wearing makeup, but i've since throw that out the window. My best friend D had a pretty significant part in this, but it wasn't solely his doing. one of our other friends that i became close with throughout high school was the other moving force. G was like a straight male coach... just being the blunt male figure in my life, most of his advice to me to basically "nut up or shut up"... whatever it helped.

blah blah blah the point of all this is that the older i get the more i realize that perhaps my father wasn't raising me to be a boy, but instead to be more self sufficient. i don't know everything about power tools and "boy" things but i'm educated enough to find the solution- and stubborns enough to figure out how to do things myself. somehow the men in my life have improved my femininity and masculinity all at the same time...

RENT!

in December i was cast as Joanne in a local production of RENT. for those of you who don't understand that first sentence... it's a pretty big deal. not only is this my first legit lead in a musical, it's also my first "romantic" lead. this has been difficult for me for a few reasons...

i was told several times, several years ago that i was "not the leading lady type." as i've said in previous blogs, weight has always been an issue for me, in that i've always had a little too much of it. and this played a huge part in my "character actress" diagnosis. the second part of that diagnosis is my face. it has no age. on a pretty regular basis i am told i look 15, and on the same regular basis i am told i look like i'm in my late 20's early 30's. other than being extremely round my face has no distinguishing features, meaning that i'm plain in almost every way. after my AMDA days i thought i was cursed to be an ensemble member forever. so when i heard the local community college was doing RENT i just had to audition, i wanted to be a part of this. i was still debating on a song to sing 5 minutes before my audition -it was between "Animal" by Neon Trees and "Firework" by Katy Perry, i went with "Animal" which just happened to be a pretty good decision. i felt pretty confident about my original audition but i figured there was no way i'd get past a call back. when the callback list went up and i saw my competition i had a nervous breakdown. not only was i competing against my friends, but these friends of mine are all consistently stronger singers. and i figured that this for sure had to be a mistake. up until the day of the callback i kept re-reading the e-mail because i didn't believe i'd been picked. i wanted to bow out of the running, i didn't want to disappoint myself any further and almost didn't go to the callback. my callback was a disaster - i syked myself out, messed up a couple of harmonies, got out of key with the music, and then when i wanted to give up i just turned it into a comedy bit- i was certain that i was no longer in the running. and why shouldn't i be, the callback was awful. so of course after all of this i was more than shocked to see the final cast list. my name was on it... next to Joanne's name. after the initial bout of excitement came the fear... what if rehearsals came and I wasn't good enough? what if the director saw that he made a mistake? what if  my understudy pushed me down the stairs #"Showgirls"? what if i couldn't do this?

after all the self doubt... which i'm really good at by the way came the fact that i HATE really singing in front of people. I am one of those people that is constantly singing, to the point where sometimes i'm unaware of it and get either strange looks or complements in public places because i was singing along to whatever was on the radio. but when it comes to performing i get to a level of anxiety that well, i need a pill or whatever they give to elephants to calm the down enough to transport them. i go through these weird phases, the flop sweat, the nervous peeing, the nausea, the nervous gas - which subsequently leads to the nervous poops. and with all these nerves i start playing the what if game (more self doubt)... what if i fall down on stage? what if i forget my blocking? what if i fall off the stage? what if i forget the words? what if i vomit on myself in front of the audience? when it comes to singing i'm no J-Hud or Celine, but i'm decent i guess. but i never had any confidence in high school (see a pattern here) and didn't really find my voice until college. whenever i would audition for something singing wise the nerves would get the best of me and i would fall flat... or sharp and blow every audition. and even now after singing my songs in front of the entire cast several times i still get nervous every single time i have to go on. if i was an ensemble member i just wouldn't care. i know my stuff but if you mess up usually it's not a big deal

my other qualm is that this is a "romantic" lead. meaning there just happens to be kissing scenes... several, and with a girl. now my issue isn't with having to kiss a girl. it's having to kiss anyone... ever. at 21 i can count all the people i've kissed on a couple of fingers. again, i was...and still am pretty awkward and have never been in any sort of relationship with anyone. and those couple of kisses have been just as awkward probably for both parties. and now not only am i not experienced in this sort of thing i have to do this in front of strangers, my cast mates, my friends, and my parents. this is the epitome of uncomfortable.

this probably has to do with the body issues, and the fact that i've never thought of myself as an attractive person and this is just messing with what have been my ideas of myself. i start to think, no one is attracted to me in my actual life, why would anyone believe otherwise when I'm on stage. it's kind of like when you watch any show and there is the fat slob husband and bombshell wife. that doesn't happen, that wouldn't happen, why do producers and directors think we're stupid enough to believe that it happens. it's just one of those weird things that has always bothered me about myself, and probably shouldn't.

The show goes up in 8 days. we have an amazing set and a wonderful cast. at the end of the day after i sift through all the nerves, and self doubt i'm really excited to put up this show. it's pushing me outside of my comfort zone, which i need. 3 years ago at AMDA i would have never imagined myself as a lead in any musical ever. this is still a crazy dream for me. maybe there is more to me than meets the eye.

if you're in the area get your tickets! March 9-13. support local arts and artists!

I am deformed... and I am ugly

so, this has not been the best of years for me. it started good and instantly went steadily down hill. but while all this was happening i hit my stints of depression, and had my crying fits, somewhere in the back of my mind i thought... it can't get worse. There's no way it can get worse.. but somehow, it always gets worse. my year thus far, starting with January 1st. my best friend A got married, i was the maid of honor in their wedding, i got to see almost all of my closest friends including G who was home for the holiday.
on the 3rd i got fired from the job that i held for 3.5 years.
i got burnt while holding a friends baby.. no the baby didn't burn me
my father had a stroke
my windshield wipers on my car broke
my phone wouldn't turn on
i got a ticket
my house flooded
had my identity stolen
throw in a bit of rejection
had a melt down at the gyno
and the thing that just ruined my streak was that somehow i gained 27 pounds in 2 weeks (with a show coming up.) I not making any of this up. i didn't even believe the weight thing myself but i saw the numbers... and i did the math.

i think the thing that really aggravates me is that through all these problems i somehow started to look and feel better about myself. sure i felt (feel) like a loser; no job, having to drop out of school (again) because i had no job, but at the end of the day i was the lightest i had ever been in my adult life and that made me feel better about myself. and yes i know it's shallow to base yourself on your appearance, but other than my every supportive friends and family, it was the only thing i had. now i've never been a beautiful person, i rate at best around average but this was the best i've looked in years. and i'm angry. this may be a diary entry from a mad black woman.

the weight has accumulated in the worst possible places - my stomach, legs, and face- (it did go to my boobs as well, and i'm perfectly fine with that.)

i feel like a monster. my body keeps betraying me, and before while it was a private issue, it has now gone very public... my body might as well have called TMZ.

so now i go out in public, feeling like i've entered my 4th trimester, with my distended stomach, puffy face, and swollen legs. i am limited to wearing sweat pants and shirts that i once deemed too big but now the only things that fit and that don't highlight my obvious transformation into a beast.

as pessimistic as i am i am still hopelessly hoping that it can't get worse.