in December i was cast as Joanne in a local production of RENT. for those of you who don't understand that first sentence... it's a pretty big deal. not only is this my first legit lead in a musical, it's also my first "romantic" lead. this has been difficult for me for a few reasons...
i was told several times, several years ago that i was "not the leading lady type." as i've said in previous blogs, weight has always been an issue for me, in that i've always had a little too much of it. and this played a huge part in my "character actress" diagnosis. the second part of that diagnosis is my face. it has no age. on a pretty regular basis i am told i look 15, and on the same regular basis i am told i look like i'm in my late 20's early 30's. other than being extremely round my face has no distinguishing features, meaning that i'm plain in almost every way. after my AMDA days i thought i was cursed to be an ensemble member forever. so when i heard the local community college was doing RENT i just had to audition, i wanted to be a part of this. i was still debating on a song to sing 5 minutes before my audition -it was between "Animal" by Neon Trees and "Firework" by Katy Perry, i went with "Animal" which just happened to be a pretty good decision. i felt pretty confident about my original audition but i figured there was no way i'd get past a call back. when the callback list went up and i saw my competition i had a nervous breakdown. not only was i competing against my friends, but these friends of mine are all consistently stronger singers. and i figured that this for sure had to be a mistake. up until the day of the callback i kept re-reading the e-mail because i didn't believe i'd been picked. i wanted to bow out of the running, i didn't want to disappoint myself any further and almost didn't go to the callback. my callback was a disaster - i syked myself out, messed up a couple of harmonies, got out of key with the music, and then when i wanted to give up i just turned it into a comedy bit- i was certain that i was no longer in the running. and why shouldn't i be, the callback was awful. so of course after all of this i was more than shocked to see the final cast list. my name was on it... next to Joanne's name. after the initial bout of excitement came the fear... what if rehearsals came and I wasn't good enough? what if the director saw that he made a mistake? what if my understudy pushed me down the stairs #"Showgirls"? what if i couldn't do this?
after all the self doubt... which i'm really good at by the way came the fact that i HATE really singing in front of people. I am one of those people that is constantly singing, to the point where sometimes i'm unaware of it and get either strange looks or complements in public places because i was singing along to whatever was on the radio. but when it comes to performing i get to a level of anxiety that well, i need a pill or whatever they give to elephants to calm the down enough to transport them. i go through these weird phases, the flop sweat, the nervous peeing, the nausea, the nervous gas - which subsequently leads to the nervous poops. and with all these nerves i start playing the what if game (more self doubt)... what if i fall down on stage? what if i forget my blocking? what if i fall off the stage? what if i forget the words? what if i vomit on myself in front of the audience? when it comes to singing i'm no J-Hud or Celine, but i'm decent i guess. but i never had any confidence in high school (see a pattern here) and didn't really find my voice until college. whenever i would audition for something singing wise the nerves would get the best of me and i would fall flat... or sharp and blow every audition. and even now after singing my songs in front of the entire cast several times i still get nervous every single time i have to go on. if i was an ensemble member i just wouldn't care. i know my stuff but if you mess up usually it's not a big deal
my other qualm is that this is a "romantic" lead. meaning there just happens to be kissing scenes... several, and with a girl. now my issue isn't with having to kiss a girl. it's having to kiss anyone... ever. at 21 i can count all the people i've kissed on a couple of fingers. again, i was...and still am pretty awkward and have never been in any sort of relationship with anyone. and those couple of kisses have been just as awkward probably for both parties. and now not only am i not experienced in this sort of thing i have to do this in front of strangers, my cast mates, my friends, and my parents. this is the epitome of uncomfortable.
this probably has to do with the body issues, and the fact that i've never thought of myself as an attractive person and this is just messing with what have been my ideas of myself. i start to think, no one is attracted to me in my actual life, why would anyone believe otherwise when I'm on stage. it's kind of like when you watch any show and there is the fat slob husband and bombshell wife. that doesn't happen, that wouldn't happen, why do producers and directors think we're stupid enough to believe that it happens. it's just one of those weird things that has always bothered me about myself, and probably shouldn't.
The show goes up in 8 days. we have an amazing set and a wonderful cast. at the end of the day after i sift through all the nerves, and self doubt i'm really excited to put up this show. it's pushing me outside of my comfort zone, which i need. 3 years ago at AMDA i would have never imagined myself as a lead in any musical ever. this is still a crazy dream for me. maybe there is more to me than meets the eye.
if you're in the area get your tickets! March 9-13. support local arts and artists!
i was told several times, several years ago that i was "not the leading lady type." as i've said in previous blogs, weight has always been an issue for me, in that i've always had a little too much of it. and this played a huge part in my "character actress" diagnosis. the second part of that diagnosis is my face. it has no age. on a pretty regular basis i am told i look 15, and on the same regular basis i am told i look like i'm in my late 20's early 30's. other than being extremely round my face has no distinguishing features, meaning that i'm plain in almost every way. after my AMDA days i thought i was cursed to be an ensemble member forever. so when i heard the local community college was doing RENT i just had to audition, i wanted to be a part of this. i was still debating on a song to sing 5 minutes before my audition -it was between "Animal" by Neon Trees and "Firework" by Katy Perry, i went with "Animal" which just happened to be a pretty good decision. i felt pretty confident about my original audition but i figured there was no way i'd get past a call back. when the callback list went up and i saw my competition i had a nervous breakdown. not only was i competing against my friends, but these friends of mine are all consistently stronger singers. and i figured that this for sure had to be a mistake. up until the day of the callback i kept re-reading the e-mail because i didn't believe i'd been picked. i wanted to bow out of the running, i didn't want to disappoint myself any further and almost didn't go to the callback. my callback was a disaster - i syked myself out, messed up a couple of harmonies, got out of key with the music, and then when i wanted to give up i just turned it into a comedy bit- i was certain that i was no longer in the running. and why shouldn't i be, the callback was awful. so of course after all of this i was more than shocked to see the final cast list. my name was on it... next to Joanne's name. after the initial bout of excitement came the fear... what if rehearsals came and I wasn't good enough? what if the director saw that he made a mistake? what if my understudy pushed me down the stairs #"Showgirls"? what if i couldn't do this?
after all the self doubt... which i'm really good at by the way came the fact that i HATE really singing in front of people. I am one of those people that is constantly singing, to the point where sometimes i'm unaware of it and get either strange looks or complements in public places because i was singing along to whatever was on the radio. but when it comes to performing i get to a level of anxiety that well, i need a pill or whatever they give to elephants to calm the down enough to transport them. i go through these weird phases, the flop sweat, the nervous peeing, the nausea, the nervous gas - which subsequently leads to the nervous poops. and with all these nerves i start playing the what if game (more self doubt)... what if i fall down on stage? what if i forget my blocking? what if i fall off the stage? what if i forget the words? what if i vomit on myself in front of the audience? when it comes to singing i'm no J-Hud or Celine, but i'm decent i guess. but i never had any confidence in high school (see a pattern here) and didn't really find my voice until college. whenever i would audition for something singing wise the nerves would get the best of me and i would fall flat... or sharp and blow every audition. and even now after singing my songs in front of the entire cast several times i still get nervous every single time i have to go on. if i was an ensemble member i just wouldn't care. i know my stuff but if you mess up usually it's not a big deal
my other qualm is that this is a "romantic" lead. meaning there just happens to be kissing scenes... several, and with a girl. now my issue isn't with having to kiss a girl. it's having to kiss anyone... ever. at 21 i can count all the people i've kissed on a couple of fingers. again, i was...and still am pretty awkward and have never been in any sort of relationship with anyone. and those couple of kisses have been just as awkward probably for both parties. and now not only am i not experienced in this sort of thing i have to do this in front of strangers, my cast mates, my friends, and my parents. this is the epitome of uncomfortable.
this probably has to do with the body issues, and the fact that i've never thought of myself as an attractive person and this is just messing with what have been my ideas of myself. i start to think, no one is attracted to me in my actual life, why would anyone believe otherwise when I'm on stage. it's kind of like when you watch any show and there is the fat slob husband and bombshell wife. that doesn't happen, that wouldn't happen, why do producers and directors think we're stupid enough to believe that it happens. it's just one of those weird things that has always bothered me about myself, and probably shouldn't.
The show goes up in 8 days. we have an amazing set and a wonderful cast. at the end of the day after i sift through all the nerves, and self doubt i'm really excited to put up this show. it's pushing me outside of my comfort zone, which i need. 3 years ago at AMDA i would have never imagined myself as a lead in any musical ever. this is still a crazy dream for me. maybe there is more to me than meets the eye.
if you're in the area get your tickets! March 9-13. support local arts and artists!
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