reasons i'm mad at mother nature.

1. the calendar says spring.. yet you insist on being almost freezing.
2. you give me one day of hope and then yank everything away.
3. i don't know how to dress, and that is pissing me off.
4. my skin cannot handle the fluctuation. i look like Ashy Larry.
5. i want to take spring time walks, because it looks pretty and nice outside but it isn't spring time!
6. i shave my legs for you and you won't even give me the time of day. i don't shave my legs for just anybody.
7. do you really need another reason?!
8. I WANT FLIP FLOPS AND DRESSES!

so what i'm saying now is get your stuff together, i grow tired of your flighty- fickle ways.

moving waaaa

so it's finally happening the family are going their separate ways, actually my parents are saying together and i'm finally leaving the nest.

my fathers company is moving to the eastern shore, they specialize in marina type things and well it makes no sense that a marina type company would be absolutely landlocked. so they are moving to where their clients are, which makes sense and i wish the company all the best.

the whole moving out of my parents home thing is bittersweet, as a child you know that this day was come eventually you move out but you always have a home to go back to. except in this case, my parents are also moving and so when i return "home" to them for the occasional visit, the place i visit won't be my home. and i'm not moving out, i'm being forced out of the nest. i believe humans are probably some of the only creatures that nurture their young for such an extended period of time. some creature lay their eggs and that's it. if they survive they survive. if not, try again the next mating season.

but as i'm going through my room it seems to be a slow process, over my 21 years i've collected a shitload of crap. i desperately need to downsize everything. i know for a fact i will be getting rid of my entire desk and the top bunk of my bed and my large desk chair - that has served as my fan holder since i got my laptop about 11 months ago. other than that i just have stuff. so much stuff.  i started making a "goodwill" pile on my floor, i know i haven't looked at this stuff in years but when i pick it up, and blow off all the dust i just become overwhelmed by the flood of memories.

i know you're supposed to keep everything that sentimental to you- but what happens when everything becomes sentimental to you?  like my Washington DC panoramic puzzle - it's missing a piece or two, but i remember the day i opened the box, and started putting it together on my coffee table. i had about half the edge done when my cat jumped up on the table knocking it off. so i moved the puzzle to my kitchen table and sat there everyday after school and put it together, occasionally my parents would try to assist me but it was over 1000 pieces and they would get bored after a while... when it was finally finished it lived on the table for about a month. someone came over and i put it away and it's lived in my closet ever since.

i just need to grow up and let go of things that really don't matter.

he, she, it... whatever.

i've always joked that my father raised me to be a boy. there is a picture of me when i was little standing on the sink shaving in the mirror with my father. now obviously i'm not actually shaving, but my little face is covered with shaving cream and have some sort of either play razor, or what could very well be a real razor with the cover still on. now i know this type of picture is very common for little boys to have with their fathers... it is less common, and usually unheard of for little girls to also have this type of picture.

i also have a plethora of power tools, several different sets actually, and i'm pretty well versed in how to handle them. when i was a child i would love to help my father in all the little projects he had going on we spent a lot of time together build things, why we needed them or even what these things were i can't recall, when we lived in New York i remember that the two of us would take trips to the dump together, and i would always have to carry groceries in for my mother - who was somehow more fragile than i was. my father didn't get to spend as much time with my brother as he would have liked and he still feels guilty about the divorce.

when i hit my mid teens i resented him for treating me as the son he never got to watch grow up. like i've stated before in my early teens i was definitely in the obese category, and while kids are already entering their awkward stage i was in a worse awkward stage. just a recap - fat, black kid, white parents, little girl sort of raised as a little boy- there was no way i was going to be a normal teenager. my best friend from the age of almost 5 to 10 was a little boy that lived down the street. we played games outside and with trucks, i was just one of the boys. a title i seem to not be able to shake.

i've attempted to feminize myself over the years. since about the 7th grade most people i encounter just assume i'm a lesbian - i had very short hair and was fat, picture a black Chaz Bono- even recently a friend of mine said "you know, i didn't know you were into dudes..." (although i've moved from lesbian to Asexual) but i've slimmed down, my wardrobe now includes dresses and form fitting/flattering clothing, there was even a dark period where i was wearing makeup, but i've since throw that out the window. My best friend D had a pretty significant part in this, but it wasn't solely his doing. one of our other friends that i became close with throughout high school was the other moving force. G was like a straight male coach... just being the blunt male figure in my life, most of his advice to me to basically "nut up or shut up"... whatever it helped.

blah blah blah the point of all this is that the older i get the more i realize that perhaps my father wasn't raising me to be a boy, but instead to be more self sufficient. i don't know everything about power tools and "boy" things but i'm educated enough to find the solution- and stubborns enough to figure out how to do things myself. somehow the men in my life have improved my femininity and masculinity all at the same time...

RENT!

in December i was cast as Joanne in a local production of RENT. for those of you who don't understand that first sentence... it's a pretty big deal. not only is this my first legit lead in a musical, it's also my first "romantic" lead. this has been difficult for me for a few reasons...

i was told several times, several years ago that i was "not the leading lady type." as i've said in previous blogs, weight has always been an issue for me, in that i've always had a little too much of it. and this played a huge part in my "character actress" diagnosis. the second part of that diagnosis is my face. it has no age. on a pretty regular basis i am told i look 15, and on the same regular basis i am told i look like i'm in my late 20's early 30's. other than being extremely round my face has no distinguishing features, meaning that i'm plain in almost every way. after my AMDA days i thought i was cursed to be an ensemble member forever. so when i heard the local community college was doing RENT i just had to audition, i wanted to be a part of this. i was still debating on a song to sing 5 minutes before my audition -it was between "Animal" by Neon Trees and "Firework" by Katy Perry, i went with "Animal" which just happened to be a pretty good decision. i felt pretty confident about my original audition but i figured there was no way i'd get past a call back. when the callback list went up and i saw my competition i had a nervous breakdown. not only was i competing against my friends, but these friends of mine are all consistently stronger singers. and i figured that this for sure had to be a mistake. up until the day of the callback i kept re-reading the e-mail because i didn't believe i'd been picked. i wanted to bow out of the running, i didn't want to disappoint myself any further and almost didn't go to the callback. my callback was a disaster - i syked myself out, messed up a couple of harmonies, got out of key with the music, and then when i wanted to give up i just turned it into a comedy bit- i was certain that i was no longer in the running. and why shouldn't i be, the callback was awful. so of course after all of this i was more than shocked to see the final cast list. my name was on it... next to Joanne's name. after the initial bout of excitement came the fear... what if rehearsals came and I wasn't good enough? what if the director saw that he made a mistake? what if  my understudy pushed me down the stairs #"Showgirls"? what if i couldn't do this?

after all the self doubt... which i'm really good at by the way came the fact that i HATE really singing in front of people. I am one of those people that is constantly singing, to the point where sometimes i'm unaware of it and get either strange looks or complements in public places because i was singing along to whatever was on the radio. but when it comes to performing i get to a level of anxiety that well, i need a pill or whatever they give to elephants to calm the down enough to transport them. i go through these weird phases, the flop sweat, the nervous peeing, the nausea, the nervous gas - which subsequently leads to the nervous poops. and with all these nerves i start playing the what if game (more self doubt)... what if i fall down on stage? what if i forget my blocking? what if i fall off the stage? what if i forget the words? what if i vomit on myself in front of the audience? when it comes to singing i'm no J-Hud or Celine, but i'm decent i guess. but i never had any confidence in high school (see a pattern here) and didn't really find my voice until college. whenever i would audition for something singing wise the nerves would get the best of me and i would fall flat... or sharp and blow every audition. and even now after singing my songs in front of the entire cast several times i still get nervous every single time i have to go on. if i was an ensemble member i just wouldn't care. i know my stuff but if you mess up usually it's not a big deal

my other qualm is that this is a "romantic" lead. meaning there just happens to be kissing scenes... several, and with a girl. now my issue isn't with having to kiss a girl. it's having to kiss anyone... ever. at 21 i can count all the people i've kissed on a couple of fingers. again, i was...and still am pretty awkward and have never been in any sort of relationship with anyone. and those couple of kisses have been just as awkward probably for both parties. and now not only am i not experienced in this sort of thing i have to do this in front of strangers, my cast mates, my friends, and my parents. this is the epitome of uncomfortable.

this probably has to do with the body issues, and the fact that i've never thought of myself as an attractive person and this is just messing with what have been my ideas of myself. i start to think, no one is attracted to me in my actual life, why would anyone believe otherwise when I'm on stage. it's kind of like when you watch any show and there is the fat slob husband and bombshell wife. that doesn't happen, that wouldn't happen, why do producers and directors think we're stupid enough to believe that it happens. it's just one of those weird things that has always bothered me about myself, and probably shouldn't.

The show goes up in 8 days. we have an amazing set and a wonderful cast. at the end of the day after i sift through all the nerves, and self doubt i'm really excited to put up this show. it's pushing me outside of my comfort zone, which i need. 3 years ago at AMDA i would have never imagined myself as a lead in any musical ever. this is still a crazy dream for me. maybe there is more to me than meets the eye.

if you're in the area get your tickets! March 9-13. support local arts and artists!