what the heck was that?!

Yesterday I had my first gyno appointment. that's one hell of an opening...(that's what she said). and while i expected to be nervous, what really happened just seemed to be... there is no word to describe it. I'm just gonna call it a cluster fuck. but here goes the story.

I was sitting in the waiting room, just me and an elderly gentleman, it was a good 10 minutes past my appointment time so my anxiety level was just steadily climbing out of control. I was thinking about bolting from the office when the door opened and a woman mispronounced my name, i corrected her in my head and picked up my purse and followed her into the room. when i walked in the room at the doctors office, a Beatles themed room, the first thing i saw was the blue footies on the stirrups. Panic. I sat uncomfortably in the chair while we had the preliminary interview. she asked me all sorts of questions of my history, and sexual history and reason for visiting. it's weird divulging this type of information to a complete stranger, one you're supposed to instantly trust. this goes against everything you've ever been taught about modesty and such. but i explained to her that while no i was not sexually active, and had not been, i wanted to get checked out just to make sure. after that I informed my nurse practitioner that I had never done any of this before, which prompted her to change tactics, and explain everything that was going to happen in the visit.

While she was explaining everything, the breast exam, the outer pelvic exam, the inner exam etc. i started to feel myself losing it. out of no where i could feel myself fighting tears and i started shaking. I broke down in the office, crying uncontrollably, neither Nurse Dawn nor I knew what the heck was happening. from this response she naturally assumed that i had been sexually assaulted, or raped, or molested and wanted to talk to me about it. when i told her that no none of those things happened, she jumped to the fact that maybe i was just uncomfortable learning about myself, which was also not the case. i just told her that this was new and it freaked me out a little. so after giving me a box of tissues, changing subjects, she stood up, pulled out a gown and a paper sheet gave me my instructions and left the room.

Now i won't give you the details of the exam because A. you don't actually want to know, and B. I don't want to relive it. but the gist is that the entire exam i cried, I was uncomfortable, but she wasn't hurting me, i just cried. she asked me if i wanted someone in there to hold my hand through the inner pelvic exam and i absolutely refused. why on Earth would i want anyone else in there. i didn't even want her in there. she kept narrating the entire time, something i didn't really want, or need, just do it and get away from me! and then lets never make eye contact again. everything checks out okay. which is good.

i put my clothes on, got my papers and left. i went instantly to my rehearsal where i broke down again in the arms of my best friend D, and spent the rest of the day exhausted: emotional, physically, and vocally. after my rehearsal i went home got a hot bath, and cried. hysterically for a really long time.

during my day i had a lot of time to think about my panic attack and then mental lapse and what actually caused it. the talk started with D and then i was in my head all day about it. but we came to the conclusion that my body issues are just so out of control the idea of being exposed in that matter was just more than my silly little mind could tolerate.

my doctors appointment was also to discuss my diabetes care and management. i was diagnosed with diabetes at age 10. and since then i have only taken care of it sporadically. and not even that much. i just always figured that if i ignored it long enough it'll go away. well, 11 years later it's still here, and it's still out of control. my doctors and nurses have been trying to get me to attend a diabetic counseling session at the hospital to try and teach me more about myself and all that junk, and I've been pretty resistant to it. but now
that i don't have a job, and I'm not going to school and I'm really just looking for things to do i might just go.

i do really want to know what happens if you sneeze with the duck lips in?