so, this has not been the best of years for me. it started good and instantly went steadily down hill. but while all this was happening i hit my stints of depression, and had my crying fits, somewhere in the back of my mind i thought... it can't get worse. There's no way it can get worse.. but somehow, it always gets worse. my year thus far, starting with January 1st. my best friend A got married, i was the maid of honor in their wedding, i got to see almost all of my closest friends including G who was home for the holiday.
on the 3rd i got fired from the job that i held for 3.5 years.
i got burnt while holding a friends baby.. no the baby didn't burn me
my father had a stroke
my windshield wipers on my car broke
my phone wouldn't turn on
i got a ticket
my house flooded
had my identity stolen
throw in a bit of rejection
had a melt down at the gyno
and the thing that just ruined my streak was that somehow i gained 27 pounds in 2 weeks (with a show coming up.) I not making any of this up. i didn't even believe the weight thing myself but i saw the numbers... and i did the math.
i think the thing that really aggravates me is that through all these problems i somehow started to look and feel better about myself. sure i felt (feel) like a loser; no job, having to drop out of school (again) because i had no job, but at the end of the day i was the lightest i had ever been in my adult life and that made me feel better about myself. and yes i know it's shallow to base yourself on your appearance, but other than my every supportive friends and family, it was the only thing i had. now i've never been a beautiful person, i rate at best around average but this was the best i've looked in years. and i'm angry. this may be a diary entry from a mad black woman.
the weight has accumulated in the worst possible places - my stomach, legs, and face- (it did go to my boobs as well, and i'm perfectly fine with that.)
i feel like a monster. my body keeps betraying me, and before while it was a private issue, it has now gone very public... my body might as well have called TMZ.
so now i go out in public, feeling like i've entered my 4th trimester, with my distended stomach, puffy face, and swollen legs. i am limited to wearing sweat pants and shirts that i once deemed too big but now the only things that fit and that don't highlight my obvious transformation into a beast.
as pessimistic as i am i am still hopelessly hoping that it can't get worse.
on the 3rd i got fired from the job that i held for 3.5 years.
i got burnt while holding a friends baby.. no the baby didn't burn me
my father had a stroke
my windshield wipers on my car broke
my phone wouldn't turn on
i got a ticket
my house flooded
had my identity stolen
throw in a bit of rejection
had a melt down at the gyno
and the thing that just ruined my streak was that somehow i gained 27 pounds in 2 weeks (with a show coming up.) I not making any of this up. i didn't even believe the weight thing myself but i saw the numbers... and i did the math.
i think the thing that really aggravates me is that through all these problems i somehow started to look and feel better about myself. sure i felt (feel) like a loser; no job, having to drop out of school (again) because i had no job, but at the end of the day i was the lightest i had ever been in my adult life and that made me feel better about myself. and yes i know it's shallow to base yourself on your appearance, but other than my every supportive friends and family, it was the only thing i had. now i've never been a beautiful person, i rate at best around average but this was the best i've looked in years. and i'm angry. this may be a diary entry from a mad black woman.
the weight has accumulated in the worst possible places - my stomach, legs, and face- (it did go to my boobs as well, and i'm perfectly fine with that.)
i feel like a monster. my body keeps betraying me, and before while it was a private issue, it has now gone very public... my body might as well have called TMZ.
so now i go out in public, feeling like i've entered my 4th trimester, with my distended stomach, puffy face, and swollen legs. i am limited to wearing sweat pants and shirts that i once deemed too big but now the only things that fit and that don't highlight my obvious transformation into a beast.
as pessimistic as i am i am still hopelessly hoping that it can't get worse.
