today has been a strange day. i woke up fully aware that my best friend G, was beginning his life as a deployed solider, another friend of mine was celebrating her daughters 5th birthday, I would be attending a viewing for a girl that i worked with, and i was still in some sort of feud with my best friend.
my best friend G had talked of his plans of joining the US Army and going to fight for his country six years ago when we first met. i've never been keen on the idea of war and especially of my friends joining the efforts. and through the years almost everyone of our other friends, his family, and even strangers, i would assume, tried to talk him out of it. but his stubbornness, passion, and loyalty- some of the things that i admire most about him - would always be stronger than any of the words any of us could say against his decision. before he returned back to his base from his pre-deployment leave the hug i gave him was probably the longest and hardest one i ever gave anyone. and i am not a hugger. i actually even hate seeing other people hug each other, it's weird. but i didn't want to let him go. I have faith - i guess that's what you call it even when you don't subscribe to any particular religion- that I will see him again. and until i am able to i have to be patient and hopeful for his entire tour.
today he made a little post on facebook basically telling everyone about his journey thus far. not much detail - at least when it comes to G- but that was enough. it will be those post i'll be looking the most forward to. it doesn't matter how few and far between they are, each one will make me smile and cry like a baby.
after my cryfest for a friend at war, i put on my big girl clothes, dried my eyes, and drove in silence to a funeral home. Autumn and i weren't the best of friends, i refuse to lie and say how deeply she touched my life and all that other shit that people say when someone dies. ( i also refuse to say 'passed away' - it softens a blow that is not supposed to be soft.) but i did work with her for some time at roadhouse. when she first showed up i didn't even like her. i can't remember why, i just didn't. but when i decided to give her a chance i found her to be quite pleasant, funny, and pretty nice. we never really spent time together outside of work, but i did enjoy her company. it was weird being at that funeral home. me and all the 'roadies' in our formal clothes - something that never happens- all awkwardly standing in the entrance. all of us together. as odd as we all are, we were a family. we had our fights, parties, laughs, and we'd even defend each other when necessary. just misfits that were originally usually forced to be together but all were standing there united for a fallen friend. that in itself was absolutely beautiful. I didn't stay for the funeral, i thought i would be disrespectful to her memory. my grief will never be the same as those who really knew her. I did cry though, but only when i hugged her parents. it's weird how death makes hugging a perfect stranger acceptable. the weirdest part of a funeral is how content the families seem to be... i have more thoughts on death but i'll save that for a different entry.
after i left the viewing i went and celebrated life. i went to a 5th birthday party. i was sitting with kids from age 5 to newborn. and it was weird, i went from a room with a heavy dark just sad feeling to being with people that don't have the mental capacity to understand death. i don't think i even have the mental capacity to understand death. but here they were tired, hungry, fussy, happy, poopy, laughing, and clapping. being passed around among the different mothers and friends just being content with their lives. i almost never want them to grow up and see how disappointing life can actually be.
and through all of the events today i keep going back to one. nothing in the world means more to me than my friends and family. absolutely nothing. no matter how irritating they are, and they are irritating. they are the reason i keep going. always. it was D's 21'st birthday last friday, and it was the first time that ABCD were together for an extended period of time since A's wedding. i hate that the group has become so much like family we only get together for special occasions. when it used to be that each time we got together became a special occasion. growing up has become synonymous with growing apart. and i hate it.
my best friend G had talked of his plans of joining the US Army and going to fight for his country six years ago when we first met. i've never been keen on the idea of war and especially of my friends joining the efforts. and through the years almost everyone of our other friends, his family, and even strangers, i would assume, tried to talk him out of it. but his stubbornness, passion, and loyalty- some of the things that i admire most about him - would always be stronger than any of the words any of us could say against his decision. before he returned back to his base from his pre-deployment leave the hug i gave him was probably the longest and hardest one i ever gave anyone. and i am not a hugger. i actually even hate seeing other people hug each other, it's weird. but i didn't want to let him go. I have faith - i guess that's what you call it even when you don't subscribe to any particular religion- that I will see him again. and until i am able to i have to be patient and hopeful for his entire tour.
today he made a little post on facebook basically telling everyone about his journey thus far. not much detail - at least when it comes to G- but that was enough. it will be those post i'll be looking the most forward to. it doesn't matter how few and far between they are, each one will make me smile and cry like a baby.
after my cryfest for a friend at war, i put on my big girl clothes, dried my eyes, and drove in silence to a funeral home. Autumn and i weren't the best of friends, i refuse to lie and say how deeply she touched my life and all that other shit that people say when someone dies. ( i also refuse to say 'passed away' - it softens a blow that is not supposed to be soft.) but i did work with her for some time at roadhouse. when she first showed up i didn't even like her. i can't remember why, i just didn't. but when i decided to give her a chance i found her to be quite pleasant, funny, and pretty nice. we never really spent time together outside of work, but i did enjoy her company. it was weird being at that funeral home. me and all the 'roadies' in our formal clothes - something that never happens- all awkwardly standing in the entrance. all of us together. as odd as we all are, we were a family. we had our fights, parties, laughs, and we'd even defend each other when necessary. just misfits that were originally usually forced to be together but all were standing there united for a fallen friend. that in itself was absolutely beautiful. I didn't stay for the funeral, i thought i would be disrespectful to her memory. my grief will never be the same as those who really knew her. I did cry though, but only when i hugged her parents. it's weird how death makes hugging a perfect stranger acceptable. the weirdest part of a funeral is how content the families seem to be... i have more thoughts on death but i'll save that for a different entry.
after i left the viewing i went and celebrated life. i went to a 5th birthday party. i was sitting with kids from age 5 to newborn. and it was weird, i went from a room with a heavy dark just sad feeling to being with people that don't have the mental capacity to understand death. i don't think i even have the mental capacity to understand death. but here they were tired, hungry, fussy, happy, poopy, laughing, and clapping. being passed around among the different mothers and friends just being content with their lives. i almost never want them to grow up and see how disappointing life can actually be.
and through all of the events today i keep going back to one. nothing in the world means more to me than my friends and family. absolutely nothing. no matter how irritating they are, and they are irritating. they are the reason i keep going. always. it was D's 21'st birthday last friday, and it was the first time that ABCD were together for an extended period of time since A's wedding. i hate that the group has become so much like family we only get together for special occasions. when it used to be that each time we got together became a special occasion. growing up has become synonymous with growing apart. and i hate it.
